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21 September 2015

Unfortunate Superpowers

A few powers are the bread and butter of superhero lore: super-strength, super-speed, flight, invulnerability, invisibility, etc.

However, some heroes can only talk to squirrels. The following powers might be significantly less effective, and more hilarious, than Squirrel Girl's talents.

Control Turtles

This hero can command turtles anywhere to do his bidding. Snapping turtles, giant tortoises, and all the rest can defend him and pursue his enemies. Hopefully, he's also studied karate or something, or else he's in trouble.

Teleport (Down)

This intrepid heroine obtained the power to teleport straight down. Never again will she have to await the elevator atop a high-rise; she will never be accidentally locked on the roof; and, she can escape from an airborn helicopter. I guess she could also teleport into the sewers or something. It's got its uses.

The Unbelievable Shrinking Man

This useful little bloke possesses the incredible capacity to shrink himself to miniscule proportions. He cannot, unfortunately, un-shrink. He simply grows, at a rate of about two inches per week. I suppose that, as a hero, he would likely spend most of his life tiny. Hopefully no one steps on him.

The Man of Metal

This bold leader of heroes can transform his body into a metal nearly as strong as steel. Unfortunately, he cannot move in this state, as metal muscles are not known for... well, for anything, really. Still, he's nearly invulnerable, sort of. Maybe he can pretend to be a statue.

The Little Zeus

This dangerously powerful little dude can summon lightning. Unfortunately, he is confined to a wheelchair after the first use of his powers left him paralyzed from the waist down. As long as he's near something tall and metal, and not touching it, and wearing ear-plugs, he might survive. It doesn't look good for superhero team-ups, though.

Paper Super-vision

This mutant heroine can see through paper of any kind. Paper is essentially invisible to her, all the time. To be honest, I can't think of any good use for her power. Still, I'm sure there's something!

The Inverse Telepath

This man can project his thoughts into anyone else's mind. In fact, he can't help it; and he can't read minds at all. Basically, everyone around him knows exactly what he's thinking, all the time. I suppose he could distract guards with it or something, but it seems more like a huge embarrassment than a useful superpower.

The Forgetting One

This ancient man has the power to forget any memory. I suppose it would be useful in an interrogation, but I hardly see how this power would ever contribute to a life that might justify an interrogation. Perhaps he is a professional secret keeper or a high-confidentiality courier, if such things exist. I'm sure he'll put it to some good use.